Lose Control
by Deathangel113
Summary: Is it worth giving up what you chose to be to become for one moment something better?
1. Lose Control

**Disclaimer: _Teen Titans _by DC Comics and Glen Murakami (TV series). The song "Lose Control" is the property of the band Evanescence. I claim neither ownership nor affiliation.**

**Warning: Story contains foul language, violence, and implied sexual situations.**

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**Lose Control**

**Chapter One: Lose Control**

_You don't remember my name_

_I don't really care_

_can we play the game your way?_

_can I really lose control?_

She had become a different person. For almost two weeks she had been locked away within her room, a reclusive shadow. Often he found himself standing outside of the closed door. Why, he did not know. Maybe he was waiting for the door to open, for her to return to him and the world beyond her dark haven. Why would she return for him though? She was not like others, actively needing comfort or saving. He found himself leaving the spot where he stood leaning against the wall and came to stand before the door. His fist hovered in the air for a moment before he resolved himself to knock. There was silence on the other side and then the sound of movement.

"Who is it?"

He was not certain if she would answer him. Several times before he had knocked only to be met with silence and other times he would hear her approach the door and then nothing. "It's me, Robin."

_Robin…_ She rested her forehead against the door and closed her eyes. "What do you want?"

"Are you all right?" She didn't answer him. "Raven, is everything okay?"

"You should leave Robin. It's not safe for you to be near me," she whispered.

"Is it your powers Raven?" She was silent and he knew. "Raven, you don't need to stay locked up."

"Robin…"

"Listen to me Raven." He leaned against the door, sensing her nearness. "You don't need to suffer like this. You don't have to control your emotions Raven… If you need to talk I'll listen." He hoped that she would, but she didn't respond. Why would she? She might have trusted he and the rest of the team once, but why would she continue to do so? They were friends, but were they ever so important to be a permanent fixture in her life; people whom she could run to with a second thought? She always hesitated to ask for help. Why would now being any different? He waited a moment longer before stepping away.

The sound of his footsteps seemed louder to her. She blamed the silence and its tricks. For a long time she remained where she was. With her eyes closed she began to feel tired. She was tempted to just sink to the ground, curl up, and disappear. Instead she returned to her bed where she returned to her meditation. Like before she was unable to concentrate.

_"You don't have to control your emotions, Raven..."_

She sighed heavily. Robin made it sound as if everything could come so easily to a person; as if just letting go was as simple as breathing. It wasn't. He didn't understand.

_ Why isn't it?_

Her eyes opened at the sound of the voice. It was not just one voice. There were many.

_Just let go._

_Wouldn't it be easier then keeping yourself as secluded as a hermit?_

_ You'll go insane if you keep trying to control us._

She focused on locking the voices away; her expression becoming one of pain.

_Why do you keep doing this?_

_ It'd be easier to let us be free._

_ Let go._

* * *

He was startled from his sleep by a presence in the room. Sitting up quickly, he glanced around and saw a dark form standing in the doorway. His initial reaction was to reach for a weapon only to stop. Squinting his eyes, the figure became more clear. "Raven?"

She didn't respond to him. Instead she glided across the room before sitting on the edge of the bed. He was quick to sit up and was preparing to ask her what was wrong when she pressed her lips against his. He grabbed her shoulders, thought to push her away, and then tightened his grip instead. The kiss lasted only a few seconds before they parted. He was in shock. Her actions were strange; atypical. Though he would rather not ask he had to. "What are you doing?"

"I thought that-"

"No!" He shook his head. "That's not what I mean. I mean... It's not as if I haven't thought about... this... It's just Starfire…"

"She doesn't need to know."

* * *

It was strange how quickly conversation was forgotten. She was only able to think about it a little bit before more primal emotions forced reason to the back of her mind. Robin seemed to have lost himself as well for his previous doubts had been cast away and now it was just _this_.

She closed her eyes and her mouth opened, but no sound was emitted. In her ear she could hear Robin's heavy breathing. His embrace tightened and she gasped. She felt strange. When she tried to focus she found herself unable to and any lingering reason was quickly fleeing her. Yet, she was aware of a sense of fear. This too seemed to quickly lose importance.

* * *

The sheet threatened to fall away from her body as she sat up, but she clutched it to her chest.

_See how easy it was?_

_ You don't have to lock us away._

_ We can be free now._

She closed her eyes as a vision flashed before her eyes. He is lying on the bed his obsidian eyes empty, lacking the fire they once possessed. _No! No more... I can't hurt him._

_You're truly pathetic._

A different voice had spoken now. It was laughing at her.

"Raven."

She turned to face Robin when he slipped his arms around her.

He kissed her shoulder lightly and felt her body tense. "Is there something wrong?" She was silent and gave him no sign of revealing her thoughts. He didn't like what the quiet could mean. "I'm here for you, Raven. You know that." The last statement sounded more like a question. He waited, but she didn't respond. Eventually she nodded, but he was not certain how resolute she was in her acknowledgment.


	2. The Wrong Sign

**Disclaimer: Teen Titans belongs to its proper owners. I hold neither ownership nor affiliation to it.**

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**The Wrong Sign**

She couldn't bring herself to look at her team. What had she done was wrong and it was going to tear the team apart. Why had she allowed herself a moment in which she did not control her emotions? It had been both dangerous and foolish. The weight of eyes was on her. She looked, causing both herself and Robin to turn away. Shortly after the alarm was sounded.

"Titans, move out!"

* * *

It was a group of criminals who had decided that they were stupid enough to rob an armor car. They had gotten their hands on some highly dangerous explosives, which had earned their involvement. Their plan did not go as they believed it would for by the time that they arrived the criminals were lying on the ground, evidently knocked unconscious by the explosion.

Beast Boy covered his mouth with his hand to contain his laughter.

"You've got to be kidding me." Cyborg shook his head, trying to contain his growing frustration.

"How stupid can you get?"

"That's what I want to know, Rae."

Robin turned away from the scene and looked down the street at the approaching flashing lights and sirens. "Let's go."

The team nodded in silent agreement. There was really no need for them to be there.

* * *

Cyborg had started making waffles upon their return to calm his irritation. The resulting aroma was sickening and she left to return to the confines of her room. The sight of her bed was a welcomed one and she immediately crawled beneath the covers. Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to be comforted by the warmth. She still felt sick, but the feeling was beginning to abate. _When was the last time that I was ill? I can't remember._

* * *

There was something wrong. She couldn't understand it. Due to what was occurring she had changed her schedule. She no longer took her meals with the team, instead eating in her room. Meditation took up the rest of the day's hours. They were worried, she understood that. She couldn't tell them anything though. Not when she didn't understand what was going on herself.

* * *

"I think something's wrong with Raven."

"What do you mean?"

Beast Boy twiddled his thumbs for a moment before answering. "She's been avoiding us."

"When doesn't she?" Cyborg asked with a laugh.

He was quiet for a moment before grinning. His concern pushed aside, he picked up the game controller that he had set down earlier.

* * *

Despite every reason that she had gone through that could be the actual reason she was feeling this way, there was only one possibility that seemed to fit. It couldn't be, but she wouldn't chance it. The weight of the eyes of those around her followed after her as she walked down the street. Maybe they knew something that she didn't or maybe she was disgusting to them because she had not involved her friends. She couldn't though. The corner drugstore appeared and she ducked within its confines.

* * *

Cyborg turned away from the television screen when he heard the door slide open. "Hey there stranger."

She ignored him and walked across the room to sit down on the couch.

"Anything wrong?"

"No." She crossed her arms and stared at the television screen. Robin was gone and after an extensive search of the tower had ended up with her realizing that she would have to wait for him.

"Friend Raven."

She narrowed her eyes when Starfire suddenly appeared before her.

"You seem angry. I know the perfect…" She trailed off when she disappeared in a flash of black.

Cyborg smirked and shook his head. "You should have left her alone Star."

* * *

She was agitated despite her attempts to remain calm. Pacing helped to stem her nerves, but her thoughts continued to race. Maybe if Starfire hadn't been in the room, hadn't spoken to her she would be been able to wait for him there.

_Why are you so nervous?_

"Shut up," she growled.

The voice laughed. _Don't tell me you thought that this was impossible._

"Shut up."

_Oh, you did._ The voice tisked, but its amusement was obvious. _You…_

"Shut up!"

"Raven?"

She turned to find herself face-to-face with Robin.

"Raven, are you all right?"

"We need to talk." Before he could speak, she grabbed his hand.

He found himself in her room. She released his hand and he watched as she started to pace nervously. "What's wrong?" She didn't answer and he came up behind her. Grasping her shoulders lightly, he turned her around so that they were facing each other. "Raven."

"I…" She lowered her eyes and reached into her cloak pocket. Without looking at him, she handed him the pocket's contents.

Opening her hand, he looked at the white pregnancy test. "Raven…"

"I'm sorry. I didn't think…" She closed her eyes when she felt the prickling of tears and she turned away from him. "This shouldn't have been possible."

The voice was laughing at her, at Robin, at their situation.

"Raven…" He slipped his arms around her. "It's all right. This is no one's fault." Lowering his lips to her ear, he spoke softly. "Everything is going to be all right."


	3. His Promise

**Disclaimer: Teen Titans belongs to its proper owners. I hold neither ownership nor affiliation to it.**

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Chapter Three: His Promise

Everything had changed and it was all because of one night of damned insanity. The normality that she had grown so fond of no longer existed. Her new life had torn her from it. She could no longer stand being around others. Each passing glance seemed to be an accusation as if her secret had been laid out to the world. She knew that it was paranoia, but it was not something that she could control.

* * *

"Dude, what's going on with Raven?"

Robin glanced at his companions. "She's meditating."

"I know that Rae's big about meditating, but come on. Even she can't keep that up for a week' Beast Boy said, less than convinced.

"It's part of a ritual that she needs to complete."

"But…"

"If you're so concerned, why don't you ask her?" His suggestion seemed to put an end to the matter. He knew that none of them would disturb her, lest they anger her. His lips turned down in a slight frown. He was worried. They had not spoken since Raven told him about the pregnancy. Despite his assurances to both her and himself he couldn't help but fell slightly fearful, primarily because of her lack of presence.

"Robin."

Starfire's voice tore him from his thoughts. He looked at her, seeing the worry etched on her face.

"Is something the matter?"

"No, nothing Star. I was just thinking."

"Did you wish to do something tonight… Together? A movie perhaps?"

"Sounds great." She waited and he watched her fly off, probably to get ready. With a sigh he turned away, setting down the day's newspaper that he had been reading.

* * *

At one time in his life he would have down anything to make her smile, to make her laugh, to make her look at him in a way that was only for him; but now… He looked at Starfire, her fingers laced with his. Three years had passed since Tokyo and yet everything had seemed to have been for naught. Being with Starfire had brought to his attention truths that he had once kept buried. After the one night affair thought everything came to his full attention. The fact of the matter was that his relationship with Starfire was dead. To him she was nothing more than a friend and yet he had remained with her. Hoping that one day he would eventually reciprocate her feelings completely. It had been illusory though, a mere crush.

"Robin."

"Yes Star?"

"You seem… distracted."

He forced himself to smile. "I'm just thinking about the movie." She seemed to accept his answer and the silence between them returned. He looked around at the sprawling city. Guilt had found its way into his heart. At that moment he wanted to confess everything to her. Tell her of how that when they were together at the Tower his gaze would always turn to the mysterious half-demon who lingered always nearby. How his thoughts were always of her. To tell the Tamaranian of that and much more would make it all easier. He would no longer have to live with the guilt of being a part of a false relationship. "Starfire."

"Yes Robin?"

He shouldn't have looked at her. The obvious happiness that shone in her eyes made everything much more difficult. His tongue tied, the words became lost. "Did you enjoy the movie?"

"Yes, very much. The depiction of the killing was very intriguing. It seemed that…"

Her voice became white noise. He watched her lips move, but he could no longer hear what she was saying. _It's over Starfire._ She continued to talk and he wondered how much longer his charade would continue.

"Robin."

He returned his gaze to her.

"Do you wish to partake of the pizza?"

"Maybe some other time Star."

She nodded, frowning ever so slightly. The night was still young and there was much that they could still do. However Robin seemed distracted as of late. His lack of appetite though caused her to worry. "Are you feeling well?"

"I'm fine. Just tired."

* * *

She stared at the doors. The shadows of the dark room shifted and she expected them to take the shape of the one whom the voice belonged to. To her own relief no figure manifested. She turned her gaze to the mirror that rested at the foot of her bed. The glass was dark, still. She wondered if she should looked again into the depths of her mind where her emotions remained locked away. It would be pointless to do so. All of her voices were at a consensus save for one. The one that had driven her over the edge and had been the start of everything. She turned her eyes back to the door. Outside, in the hall, she could sense Beast Boy. Like the other times that he had come to her door she waited for him to knock. This time though he did not and after a few minutes she sensed him leave. Closing her eyes she took a slow deep breath.

* * *

Robin paced the floor of his room. Everything that he planned to say, he repeated quietly to himself. At first it had seemed convincing, but now he was not entirely sure. Everything that he planned to say sounded foolish to him now. He glanced at the digital clock and saw that it was a few minutes past midnight. _I need to do this now._ He opened his door and stopped almost immediately. "Raven." He took a step back when she came into the room; the door sliding closed behind her. "Raven, I…" His words were forgotten when she saw the small shoulder bag that she carried.

"I'm leaving," she said quietly when she caught his stare.

"What? I…" He didn't know what to say as her words sunk in. "Why?"

"I need to sort out my thoughts."

"Don't lie to me Raven. Why are you really leaving?"

"I'll be a distraction to you and Starfire."

"Don't worry about Starfire. She's not the one that I'm in love with. Raven, you're…"

"Don't say it Robin," she said, her words sounding harsher that she had originally intended them to. She lowered her eyes and was silent for a moment. "Just tell the others that I was summoned to Azarath and that I don't know when I'll be coming back."

"You're not coming back though." He took a step towards her and touched her face lightly. "Raven… What about you and the baby?"

She touched her abdomen lightly and raised her eyes so that she could look at his face. "We'll both be fine."

Leaning down he kissed her gently.

She pulled away after what felt like forever. Turning around she started to leave, only to stop when he grasped her wrist.

"If you need anything…"

"I know."

He reluctantly let her go. The sound of the door sliding closed behind her seemed much louder than it actually was.

* * *

She stood at the outskirts of Jump City. Looking at the city she could picture in her mind's eye Titan Tower which was not visible to her. He had promised her that everything would be all right, but reality she knew stood in the way of that. There was no going back. With that thought in mind she turned away from it all.


	4. Epilogue: Together Again

**Disclaimer: Teen Titans belongs to its proper owners. I hold neither ownership nor affiliation to it.**

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Epilogue: Together Again

She had never been so exhausted. Her body felt as though it were lead. The door opened and she turned her head to see the nurse entering.

"Here he is."

A bundle of blankets was placed in her arms. She gazed down at the sleeping baby that she held. The nurse left without her notice and she only looked up when she heard the door open. She turned back to him, smiling softly. There was a knock on the door and she tore her gaze again from her son.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but you have a visitor," another nurse said after opening the door.

_Who would be here?_ Any confusion left her when he stepped into the room. Even without his mask and costume she knew him. "Richard."

"Raven." Robin stayed next to the door, looking unsure of himself.

"How did you find me?"

"I pulled a few strings."

"Are the others…?"

"No. They're still at the Tower."

"Do they know?"

He shook his head. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," she admitted.

He walked over to her and looked at the sleeping baby. "Is that…?"

"Our son… Did you want to hold him?" She smiled when he nodded. When he bent down, she helped him to hold their child properly.

The baby seemed fragile in his arms. "What's his name?"

"I haven't named him yet. I was going to call you so that you could have a choice in that decision, but it seems that I don't need to worry about that now."

He laughed quietly. "Did you have any ideas?"

"I was thinking about naming him after you."

"No… I wouldn't want him to follow in my footsteps."

She would have asked what he meant if she did not all ready know. There were some things about being a hero that were best left unrepeated.

"Luke."

He spoke the name softly and looking at them both she felt her smile broaden. "Luke Grayson," she said, the name sounding right.


End file.
